The Darkest Days
by Dana-Eliza
Summary: On the outside Armin appears to be fine, as long as you don't look hard enough. But as life seems to be getting worse and worse for Armin, and he no longer can ignore what really is going on, he finally acknowledges that he has entered his darkest days. AU, depression, partially a personal story. No pairings yet.


Here with my very first AU SNK story that has a personal touch to it. This one will partially be stuff that has happened to me when I was going through my depression. I've been meaning to write about it for a while and finally found a way to do it. Through Armin, who I feel is a little like me in ways.

I have not yet decided on a pairing to end this with nor am I sure if I will end it in one, but you can let me know if you have preferences. I'll may leave some hints behind for a few anyway!

I hope you'll like it!

...

Train tracks disappeared under the tough iron wheels, the train sliding forward as it moved towards the next station to let more people get in. How they would fit was always a mystery, the length of the train really not fitting in with rush hour. People were all already standing, mushed together in the crowded space until they could hardly move. Tall men and women had their arms high up, barely able to even catch the metal railing that was meant for them.

The train sped on, making a sharp turn to the right. The bundle of people all fell to the side, trying to cling to each other to stay upright. A soft awkward chuckle slipped through the train as everyone tried to silently apologise to the other. The more sociable ones would actually say something, speak up about how the machinist really had no clue on how to drive a train. Some would hum in response, agreeing in a way simply to shut them up. It was too early to make small talk with strangers. Not that any other time would be better. People simply didn't want to talk to one another when on the train, especially when it was as full as this.

Armin was also one of these people. Standing there by the metal pole, clinging to it to make sure he would not topple over onto someone, he was minding his own business. Earphones were plugged into his ears to drown out any sound that may reach him. He did not hear the two girls on the side talking about the assignment they hadn't finished, nor did he hear the man loudly talking on his phone about some business meeting he had nailed. All he heard was the beat of the song he was listening to.

As the train started to break right in front of the next station, Armin swerved slightly backwards, stumbling against another person. Automatically he shot an apologetic smile over his shoulder, putting the other at ease instantly. But again no words would be shared, every person there too busy with what was happening inside their minds, rather than what was happening around them.

The train emptied quite a bit there, people stepping down onto the platform, then either going left or right. Some couldn't decide, holding up a whole line as they looked from left to right until they were certain on where to go. People marched off, going up the stairwell or escalator, depending on the patience someone had. And the train moved on already, leaving them behind to move on to their next transportation.

With some seats now left empty, several people scattered towards them, sitting down as fast as they could so they no longer had to stand. Armin was still by his pole, not feeling the energy needed to make the same fast move. It was too early and he didn't have much left to go, so he would be out of this train soon anyway.

Some were now leaning back casually against the door, others still holding onto the railings to make sure they would not fall. But there was now enough space to actually move about. Phones were pulled from their pockets, eyes glued to the screen as different apps were opened. Games, Social Media, work related apps. Everyone had a different goal in mind. Usually Armin was one to join in straight away, as addicted to certain apps as anyone else was. And he merely had to drag his phone out of the pocket of his jacket. Unzip the pocket and reach in. Instead he took a few extra seconds to listen to the song, to finish it and enjoy it to the fullest. A lie he told himself, because he really had not heard one word of the lyrics that passed by.

In reality his heart was racing in his throat, palms getting sweaty as he thought of the first app he would open. The one he always opened first, because there was some kind of routine to it. Taking a last look out of the window Armin reached for his phone anyway, unable to resist the call. There was something masochistic to it. He could've waited with taking a look. Could've waited the entire day until he really had to. But curiosity took over as well, and sometimes it was better to get it over with.

With his thumb he pressed the little envelope, letting his email account pop up on the screen. It instantly started synchronizing the folders, receiving all the new emails that had come in during the evening and night. Most of the emails were advertisements, but there were two that stuck out right away.

Thick bolded black letters seemed to mock him from the little phone's screen. Screaming at him at how badly he had screwed up once again. One had been expected though. If you didn't go to the resit and do your test, then you would not receive a good grade either. You would fail the subject and would have to do it all over again next year. Something Armin knew and hated, but he had done this to himself. He had decided to stay in bed and not go to the resit, knowing fully well what that would mean. Somehow he could make himself care enough. For some reason not going seemed to be the best option.

The other one Armin had gone to though. He had made the test early in the morning and would get a grade for it. Armin had hoped he would've passed this one, hoped for it so badly, because he needed a good grade. Hope was not going to cut it though. If Armin had studied beforehand, had actually opened the book and had read through the pages, then maybe he would've done an okay job. If he had actually taken the time to make a full on summary to get everything inside his head, then maybe he would've done a great job. But not doing anything but hope, that would not get you anywhere. He had hardly filled out anything anyway, and the things he had given an answer to, he had just written down what seemed sort of logical. Needless to say Armin's hope was shattered as he stared at the screen and saw the bad grade flashing up at him.

Distracting himself Armin then went to the Facebook app and scrolled through the many posts. None he liked, none he commented on, hardly seeing any of it in the first place. His mind was still too preoccupied with the grades. For a moment he wondered if people around noticed his distress, but his face did not show any sign of worry.

The train once again came to a halt. The doors opened after someone had frantically pushed the button, and Armin stepped out onto the platform, turning right to get to the subway to continue the journey. Some people followed, but most went their own ways, never glancing back at the blond boy.

Armin's blue backpack was slung over his shoulder, in his other hand still his phone, even if he was no longer looking at it. Dressed in loose fitting jeans and a simple white t-shirt, Armin felt comfortable. There was always a certain amount of attention he put into how he dressed, finding it important enough to show up presentable. Even if he was exhausted, even if he was stressed out of his mind, he felt like this was a must. Even if you screwed up everything in life, make sure one thing was still going right. His navy blue jacket was the only thing that perhaps did not look as great, but he liked it nonetheless.

The subway sped off as soon as the doors closed, giving Armin no time to take a seat. Stumbling towards one, he almost fell into it, the woman in the one beside the seat giving him an annoyed look. He did another apologetic smile and ignored it further, because they were still not there to socialize.

Flashing by stop after stop, people got in and got out within minutes, but more and more students started to join in. All aiming for the same thing as Armin. The plain looking building out in the middle of nowhere where classes were held for a few college studies. Everything about it screamed that it was a bad place to be. It was a bad location, the study was not what Armin thought it would be, and Armin just didn't feel right there.

The subway finally got to the right stop, all the students getting out and turning towards the exit, creating two rows of people to go down the escalator. Somewhere in between Armin walked, dragging his feet towards the school he started to loathe. Every fibre in his body was telling him to turn back around and just go back home, but he just couldn't do that. His grandfather would start asking questions on why he was home already, and there really was no excuse for it. Not to mention he would let several of his classmates down since they were doing a project together. The projects were honestly the worst. Before he always saw himself as a team player, but after being in team after team, Armin rather just worked on things alone. At least things got done then, and if they didn't, it was his own fault. He didn't depend on anyone. Unfortunately the classes for this study loved down team projects.

Turning onto the parking lot of the college, a few cars passed Armin by, stepping on the gas as they rushed passed him. As if they were in a hurry to be there already. Other students were meeting up around him, greeting each other with a small wave or yelling stuff at each other. Some really seemed to have bonded here, making friends as they went to class after class. Armin didn't really make any friends. There were a few people he liked more than others, but he hadn't met up with any of them after class just to hang out.

In his hand Armin's phone buzzed, distracting him from his path. Moving through the sliding doors, Armin glanced down at it, noticing a text message that had popped up. It hardly ever happened that Armin received text messages, or phone calls, or any other type of message. Here and there he would get one, but he was not as obsessed with being in contact with people and people were not obsessed with being in contact with him either. It was often just quiet, so it came as a surprise, until he actually opened the message.

 _Hey, wanna hang out tonight? I can bring a movie and some beers._

A sigh left Armin's lips as he looked down at it. These were normal messages when they came from your best friend, and normal people would be excited to see their best friend as well. Armin knew all that and felt bad for really not feeling like it. He just didn't want to see Eren. Didn't feel like it. It was all too bothersome and too tiresome. They would watch a movie, and drink beers until they were good and drunk, and then Eren would spend the night, because he was too drunk to drive back home. It would cut a big chunk of time out of Armin's weekend, and Armin had stuff to do.

He probably should've just said yes to Eren, because he would've enjoyed himself. Of course he would have. They were best friends for a reason. And no matter how much stuff Armin had to do this weekend, he wouldn't do them anyway. No matter if Eren had been there or not. Because Armin finished nothing and didn't do the homework he was supposed to do, or studied the subjects he had to. All he did was waste time on things that didn't matter. But even if Armin knew all that, realised as he typed the message back to Eren, it didn't change his answer.

 _Sorry, I have other plans tonight! Rain cheque?_

...

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Love, Dana


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